For far too long I have feared how my life will look from the outside in. Fear that things are too chaotic for anyone that decides they want to be a part of it. There are many reasons I have this fear, and I wanted to give light to all of it. I believe between me, my children and my ex that it may seem overwhelming. So, please open your mind and heart as you read this letter.
If you are going to love me unconditionally with everything you have, I need you to know me fully. I am sure you have learned by now that I am nothing close to typical. I cannot fully explain how my mind works, but I will try my best. First let me explain that I have Bipolar Disorder, and that means I can have extreme mood swings at times. My highest highs are rare, but they can be hard to navigate through my nonsense. On the opposite end, my lowest low can be just as difficult to make it through my storm. Those are extremes though, normal everyday mood swings are softer. The truth is you just need to be patient and understanding. Please understand that I can not control my every thought or how I feel. My moods are the least frustrating part of me; my anxiety can be even worse. My anxiety I believe causes most of my distortions. I am working on so much, and I will be making progress slowly.
My mind is a mystery, and you will need a map that has room to add to it as our lives mend together. Many times, you will question what happened, how I went from A to B, or why I think certain things. There will be times that I need reassurance, more often than not. Quality time is the only way I feel secure in our relationship. When we are apart I start to doubt myself and convince myself that I am not worth everything. Every message I send out of the blue, I send to know if you are thinking of me. I cannot help my thoughts, as they have a mind of their own. I try to ignore them, and tell myself that they are not true; they are apart of me, a monster hiding inside. So, humor me and message me back, spend time with me, or whatever I am craving. I need the affirmations and to know how much you love me. I will be open and honest about everything, if you do the same for me. I just ask you don’t shut me out, because that will cause my mind to go into overdrive.
Aside from all that, I am also a very restless and free spirit. I have romanticized the idea of traveling and having adventures. Constantly moving is appealing to me, you will need to keep up with me. I want to feel the heart of the earth as we explore. I tend to live in a fantasy world most of the time, because I like to see the beauty in everything. There will be times I will be completely random and off the wall, and times when I will be silent and thoughtful. You should be prepared to dance with me anywhere, listen to my awful singing anytime there is music on, or go along with my senseless ramblings. I can be a handful of wildness most of the time. Just expect the unexpected.
When it comes to my children, you must be understanding and have a place in your heart for them. My oldest can be overwhelming and difficult at times. Between meltdowns, tantrums, appointments, and parenting differences things can be difficult. My youngest has learned some habits from his father and brother, so he can be difficult as well. My boys and I have a rhythm, we have with our routines and ways of handling things, so be patient with us as we let you in and for any changes that might happen. My kids have been through a lot and changes can be very hard to maneuver through our lives. Build a relationship with them, help them, and help protect them. Eventually we will move in together and blend our families, so I ask that we have a conversation on how we will handle the changes, discipline, and any problems that may arise. They are my world and I would love for you to be a part of their lives too.
The short version of our lives is that I have two kids that need me more than anything. I am there for them to release their emotions after keeping it all in, especially after long week or weekends away. I am there for them to ask me for anything. I am there to be their rock, their shelter, their safe zone and their forever. My oldest needs to count on me to be there waiting for him while he is doing his thing, to be proud of the little achievements that he makes daily, show him that his best is good enough for me. My youngest needs to see how excited I am when he does something right with his colors or numbers, help him when he makes a mistake, be there when he wakes up every night to lay with me to go back to sleep. My children and I have our special moments that we cherish and entering our lives means to understand that these are special to us. I am making up for the conditional love they seem to get from their father.
Last, I need to explain the situation with my ex. My ex will do whatever he can to make things difficult. It will become frustrating and hard to accept, but in the end it will be better to let it all roll off your back. There is a lot that has happened between me and him, so understand that it’s more complicated than it all seems. We are going to discuss things that have happened more in depth, but let me condense it down the best I can. By the end of things, I had lost myself and didn’t know what to think or feel. I have been beaten down emotionally and told how unlovable I am for far too long. I still have his voice in my head at times telling me that no one can love me, except for him. So, I can use some reassurance often. He broke me down and I am climbing my way back. Not only has he damaged me, but the boys are damaged also. Show us all that we deserve unconditional love. After a weekend with their father, the boys need to be extra loved while they let out their emotions and become clingy to their mother. Be patient with us, we cannot escape him fully.
I am letting you into our chaotic life, and I wanted to give you a glimpse of it. But, I also wanted to explain the good that comes from all this. After my ex, the boys and I have learned to appreciate the good in life. My boys are very loving and sweet and will look up to you. They could use a good role model. As for me, I have so much to give. I love with everything I have. I will possibly smother you with all the emotions that have been locked up inside of me for too long. If you are willing to enter my life and let me into yours, I would be happy to get through everything with you.
Love,
Chaotic Me
Silver Linings 